A few months ago, Mrs J attended a women’s retreat. She’s really glad she went. It was an experience that changed things, while not changing anything. Which is a statement that may lead you to think Mrs J has finally lost the last marble. But there is method to her madness, this time.

A few days ago, Mrs J put herself on a scale for the first time in ages. She discovered that she’s 16kg heavier. She was happy. Why? Not because she’s that much heavier, for sure. Mrs J has been this weight before and felt like a big fat failure. But this time there’s this huge difference.

Joy.

One of Mrs J’s good friends (who also happens to arrange women’s retreats which have nothing to do with weight loss, diets or exercise regimes) encourages her circle to pick a word of the year. Mrs J’s friend picked “real” as her word of the year. And she’s definitely lived up to it.

Mrs J was a bit late to pick a word of the year and she didn’t share it with people the way her friend recommends that you do. But she had it in her head none the less.

Joy.

Last time she saw these numbers on the scale she cried the whole night through. Because at the time she felt she had lost control of the very last part of her life that was controllable. She then proceeded to lose a substantial amount of weight. And she gained a lot of knowledge and confidence doing so. But she didn’t think about feeling joy doing it.

This time, when she saw those numbers on the scale, she thought about Joy. In fact, every day since she picked the word she’s been thinking about Joy. What would I enjoy? Is this really joy I’m feeling? Am I enjoying this? 

This time instead of freaking out about all that fat she thought about how much happier she is today than she was when she was 16kg lighter. And although she’d have preferred not to have gained any weight (entirely unrealistic considering her recent diet and exercise regime), she felt it was a fair trade.

While facts are facts in terms of obesity and health, sometimes our mental cameras deceive us. When looking at pictures of herself in her early 20’s Mrs J now thinks she looks thin – but she clearly remembers not feeling thin at all.

Then there’s this vision board that Mrs J made at the retreat. (If you don’t know what a vision board is, don’t worry, Mrs J didn’t know what they were before the retreat either.) On it she has lots of pictures of animals, because she loves animals. Among them there’s also a picture of a pudgy bulldog with the headline “I am a supermodel of health”. That particular picture got on there because along the way Mrs J discovered that for her being super thin and conforming to the ideal look didn’t necessarily equal being super healthy. Or super happy.

Today, Mrs J doesn’t feel ugly. She doesn’t feel like a big fat failure. She doesn’t feel out of control. The extra weight is just part of the journey right now.

Mrs J is discovering other types of motivation to exercise and straighten out her diet. She’ll probably make “Healthy” her next word of the year.

But she’s not going to trade in Joy for Thin.